This was originally published at https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/recovery-blog/why-alcoholics-blame-others/.
When it comes to the blame game, alcoholics are professionals.
We can blame anyone and anything but ourselves when it comes to the predicaments we find ourselves in and the choices we make. For some reason, it’s easier to manipulate reality and shift blame than it is to own up to the fact that every time we pick up a drink, we are choosing to do so.
It isn’t even a conscious choice to blame others or to blame life circumstances. It’s seemingly part of the nature of being an alcoholic. As someone who drank and blamed everyone and everything but myself, I have some insight into the reasoning behind why an alcoholic chooses to operate this way. The following are potential reasons we try so hard to shift blame.
We’re embarrassed. I was often mortified about my actions and the choices I made while under the influence. For some reason, admitting that the situation was fully my own fault made it even more embarrassing. So instead of taking ownership of my actions, I blamed the breakup I had just gone through or the way my anti-depressant interacted with alcohol. The reasoning behind my actions was never simply because I had a problem with alcohol. I always convinced myself (and tried to convince everyone else) that there was more to it than that.
If we take the blame, that means something has to change. For me, this reason was a huge factor in never wanting to blame myself for the situations I got into while drinking. If I admitted that I was responsible for my actions, that would mean something in my life would have to change. But I wasn’t ready to stop drinking, so I wasn’t about to admit to anything being my fault. I did whatever I could to continue drinking, and often that meant blaming others and blaming situations.
We really, truly don’t believe our addiction is a problem. Part of active addiction is denial, which means an addict thinks he or she does not have a problem. Addict Science states, “Active addicts see alcohol and/or drugs as the solution, they rely on them as medicine to treat their emotional ills and get them through each day…So any suggestion that alcohol or drugs are the problem is unbearable because it challenges the assumptions that are the basis of their lives.” And it’s true. It’s difficult to take the blame for something when your mind is thoroughly convinced that it is not your fault.
In short, alcoholics can only stop blaming others once they admit to having a problem. In my experience, admitting this led to being able to see where the blame really should have been (myself) and doing what I could to readjust my thinking and remind myself that I am ultimately in control of my own actions and choices.