A few days ago, I complained because life was going too well.
I made the comment that when things are going so perfectly, I feel like I lose any and all drive to write. And it’s true – I write so much more fluidly and easily when something is weighing heavily on my mind, versus when I feel like everything is coming together.
Literally the day after making that comment, I found out that my boyfriend and I are losing the house we are living in. The landlord has failed to pay the mortgage, so it is being foreclosed. We have three dogs, so while it would usually be easy to find another place, it’s not that simple.
This place has become home to us. It is the first house we shared together, and we’ve made memories here. Upon hearing that we would not be able to stay, and have only a month to leave, I burst into tears.
A pity-party followed, consisting of me taking up residence on the bathroom floor and going through an entire roll of toilet paper for my tears.
After a few hours of that, I fell into an exhausted sleep. I woke up at 5 a.m. ready to take control of the situation, meaning I stared at my computer and willed something to pop up on the rental sites. Nothing did, so I cried some more.
I revisited the home listings later, and found a small lead, then another followed later in the afternoon. While I still have no idea what we are going to do, I know one thing: it will work out. The people in our lives have stepped up and reached out, and I know no one will let us end up on the street, or even let us get rid of our dogs if it comes to that.
In the middle of my pity party last night, I did something I haven’t done in a long time: I prayed. I don’t know who I was praying to, or really what I was even asking. All I know is that I felt so helpless, like life was so out of my control, and I had to give it up to something greater.
I haven’t addressed the spirituality/higher power side of my sobriety very much, and that’s because I don’t know where I stand. In treatment I had a lot of trouble saying, “Yes, God is my higher power.” There are a lot of parts of Christianity I sometimes struggle to grasp, and I don’t necessarily know where my beliefs fit.
All I know is that I don’t control the outcome of every situation, and that means that something greater than me does. So when I am in a situation where I feel helpless, why not reach out to that “something?” It could be God. I’m not saying it isn’t. But I also know that I didn’t pray directly to Him last night. I just said, “Hey you, out there, whoever you are. I hope you are listening because I need you.”
And I prayed. For patience. For hope. For serenity. And ultimately, for a solution.
I thought back to how helpless and utterly hopeless I felt in the first few weeks of sobriety. I thought my life had ended, that I would never find happiness again. Of course, those feelings were temporary. I now consider sobriety to be my saving grace. It is the best thing that ever happened to me, but if you told me that at the beginning, I’d have laughed and declared you an idiot.
My point is simply this: things are temporary. Feelings are temporary. Situations are temporary. No matter what the next few weeks of the unknown brings, I know it’ll be OK because I’ll have my best friend next to me. I’ll have that higher power, whoever it may be. I’ll have sobriety.
This too shall pass.