I may not know if I want kids, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it sometimes. So many people my age are starting to have babies…it’s hard not to ponder.
You don’t know me yet, but I’ve thought about you often. I’ve thought about what it will be like to see you for the first time, your balled up fists attempting to unfurl, your tiny, squinty eyes struggling to adjust to this big, bright world. I’ve wondered who your dad will be, how much I will love him (especially after giving me you), if you will look like him or like me. I’ve wondered about your firsts – your first word, your first steps, your first tooth.
There are so many things I can only wonder about, but there are a few certainties, too.
I can promise I will be your best friend, because that’s what my mother did for me. I will hold your hair when you are sick, I will console you when you cry. I will read you book after book if it means you will grow up with a love for literature. I will let you climb into bed with me even when you’re well past the appropriate age – because sometimes you’ll just need your mom, and the rest of the world can wait.
I can promise you that I will support you – as long as what you are doing isn’t detrimental to yourself or anyone else. I will support you in each endeavor you choose to embark upon. I will support you when everyone turns left and you stubbornly declare right. I will support you in your triumphs, and even more so in your failures. I will support you when you’re not sure you even support yourself.
I can promise to teach you what I am able to, but there are some lessons you will only learn on your own. And when those come about, I promise to let you learn them, even though every instinct in me will be screaming to stop you, to protect you from being hurt. I promise to let you learn.
But above all, I can promise you that I will love you. I will love you the first time you tell me no, the first time you slam your door, the first time you threaten to run away. I will love you when you make the wrong decision time and time again. When you have your heart broken for the first time, when you fight with your siblings, when you tell me you hate me…even then I will love you. In fact, I’ll probably love you even more than before.
Someday I promise to tell you these things in person. Meeting you is a day I will look forward to forever, and when it arrives, I know so many more promises will come to me.