Today I woke up thinking of all of the people on this planet that are hurting. I woke up thinking about the people whose lives are still deeply affected by the traumas of their past. Those who do not know that they can experience healing from their pain and have for years now suffered day in and day out at the hands of their own psyche. I thought of all of these people this morning and my heart broke.
The thing is that I once was one of those people. I once lived a life that was ruled by the sexual abuse I experienced in my childhood, the physical abuse of relationships in my adulthood, and the all-consuming nature of my alcoholism. I believed the lie I told myself that someday I could make myself a normal drinker. That someday I could no longer be an alcoholic. I once was unaware that I could heal from these things, and with not knowing this, I suffered tremendously for years with no hope that change could occur.
Looking back now I can see that my alcoholism was in a sense an attempt to heal myself. From the very first time that I ever used a mind altering substance I noticed that all of the pain that I had been dragging around seemed to dissipate and so I medicated my pain away, one day at a time.
It was however, like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound and the very thing that I found to be an initial solution eventually began to amplify my hurt and pain, as I continued to suppress my emotions and use ever-increasing means to numb myself.
As my alcoholism and addict increased, so did my pain’s want to escape its prison in my subconscious mind and so the daily struggle between numb and hurt became increasingly more difficult to win. I found that I would have to drink more, or smoke more, or limit my eating more, in order to snuff out the voices rattling around in my head, attempting to get me to relive my past. Attempting to get me to relive traumas that I had no interest in ever dealing with. I believed during this time that if I could just run fast enough I would be able to escape my past, but I was sort of unaware that they were always there, right under the surface, feeding on the hole in my chest that made me feel totally alone and worthless.
So I say that to say this, I understand what it is like to have what seems like so much hurt that you cannot vocalize it. I know what it is like to live day in and day out with the fear that if you aren’t numb you will experience a level of hurt that is unbearable to the average person, and I know what it is like to finally have to stop and face these things. That is why my wish for those still hurting is that they experience the healing they need in order to get their lives back.
Living with the type of trauma that I carried for so many years never allowed me to live a full and happy life. I always felt like I had to be ashamed of something and as the years progressed and my problems were left not dealt with, they became more confusing in my mind and I became angry and more withdrawn.
I couldn’t really trust anyone because I was afraid they would just hurt me, and what’s more is that I couldn’t even trust God. I blamed him for everything that happened in my life and so shut off from the one source of love that could possibly heal me I suffered and suffered, blindly following my own treatment plan for healing.
That was until I came to the end of myself. I arrived at a point where I reached the end of Rose and all of her answers and I had no choice but to try something different. I was completely empty on the inside and all of my years of repressed pain came washing over me in an instant. It was an awful feeling, but one that was necessary in order for this stubborn alcoholic to finally see the light. I finally saw that I could no longer run from myself, or my past, and that I would have to begin to process and heal from it.
It was a slow process and it took time but I was eventually able to heal and in turn I was able to experience peace for the first time in my life. I was able to look at the sexual abuse from my childhood and not feel ashamed of it, I was able to look at the physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex-husband and actually forgive him for it, and I was able to look at my alcoholism and see that I was just a scared girl with a disease, trying my best to navigate the confusing and murky waters of my life. I was able to be free and it felt amazing.
It was as if a heavy weight was removed from my chest and I finally able to breathe. That is not to say that the pain doesn’t still surface from time to time, or that I don’t still get nightmares about some of the things that occurred in my past, but today I am able to understand that in this moment I am safe and that these events no longer have to rule my life.
For so many years I let the people who hurt me continue to rule my life long after they had already been removed from it. That is one of the most horrible things about not dealing with trauma, is that you continue to experience the pain and hurt all over again as if it had just happened. Through actually facing my pain, I have been able to overcome it, and I know for a fact that if I can do it, so can you.
So if you are hurting right now. Suffering from some silent trauma, know that you too can be free from the pain you’ve experienced. It may not be easy and it may not happen overnight, but you no longer need to re-live the pain of your past on a daily basis. You can wake up in the morning and see hope for the future and reclaim the life you’ve always wanted.
I wish you well on your journey and I hope that you find the healing you need.
Rose Lockinger is a passionate member of the recovery community. A rebel who found her cause, she uses blogging and social media to raise the awareness about the disease of addiction. She has visited all over North and South America. Single mom to two beautiful children she has learned parenting is without a doubt the most rewarding job in the world. Currently the Outreach Director at Stodzy Internet Marketing.