Today, Taylor took the time to reach out and tell me her story. I want to share it here.
Name: Taylor McHargue
Sobriety date: 10/1/2013
From: Oklahoma City
This is her story:
I took my first drink at 13. It was the day before I went back to school from winter break, I blacked out and came to at my dads house that was 30 miles away. I didn’t drink again until I was 18. Drinking terrified me, as someone in my life was an alcoholic. I saw what alcohol could do to people, but I didn’t really like what was inside me either so I turned to drugs. They didn’t have any repercussions, or so I thought.
I started off just smoking pot in high school, then I found Adderall. Fast forward a year I had a 300-milligrams-a-day habit and could get out of bed without the damned things. The smallest tasks would overwhelm me without it. After two day spree, I was standing in my friends kitchen about to swallow a handful and was like no wait I have to pace myself, I think I want to sleep tonight, and as soon as that thought crossed my mind my hand went to my mouth and the pills went down my throat.
That was the day I went to my first meeting. I knew that action was not normal, but it felt normal to me. When I look back on it now, I can see that fear of being the alcoholic in my life is what drove me into that meeting, not an actual desire to be clean. I stayed for 5 months.
After that, I spiraled out of control. Drank,used, and fucked whatever I could to not deal with me. I wasn’t a drunk that had real terrible consequences. I have never been arrested, didn’t go into DTs, didn’t wreck any cars while intoxicated. On the outside, I looked like life was peachy. On the inside, I was dying. So full of fear, and a need to feel wanted. When I walked into recovery I was three months pregnant and didn’t know what way was up, or how I was going to love a child if I couldn’t love myself.
That is how I got sober. I knew the rooms could show me how to love me, something I hadn’t been able to accomplish all my life.
What keeps me sober? God, steps, my home group. It’s not about my child anymore, he’s almost two and is the best thing my drinking ever gave me, but he can’t keep me sober. I tried that and was miserable as a result. Advice for those still doing research is this.. I have tried fixing me every way under the sun, but at the end of the day nothing changed, until I was ready to do it for me. Until I truly wanted/needed a different life. Just don’t give up. I believe that if you are breathing air, there is a light that still shines inside. There is always hope, even if its not obvious to you in those moments of desperation and agony.